Funny Quotes

"Funny Quotes for a Daily Dose of Laughter"

Nothing brightens the day like a witty, funny quote to make you laugh! Our collection of funny quotes is the ultimate mood booster, featuring hilarious one-liners, clever observations, and relatable humor that will have you saying, “So true!” Whether you’re dealing with work-from-home woes, fitness goals that involve a “cupcake in each hand,” or just navigating life’s daily twists, these quotes serve up humor on every topic. Perfect for sharing with friends or adding a touch of humor to your social feeds, these quotes are a must-read for anyone in need of a good laugh and some lighthearted fun! 

Here are some funny quotes to brighten your day:

1. "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." — Unknown
2. "I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." — Benjamin Franklin
3. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." — Unknown
4. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do." — Unknown
5. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." — Douglas Adams
6. "I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake." — Unknown
7. "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" — Robin Williams
8. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." — Unknown
9. "Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it." — Unknown
10. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode." — Unknown
11. "I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." — Unknown
12. "If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." — Steven Wright
13. "My brain has too many tabs open." — Unknown
14. "I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" — Chandler Bing, Friends
15. "I put 'Pro' in procrastination." — Unknown
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17. "I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." — Michael Scott, The Office
18. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." — Tommy Cooper
19. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey
20. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." — Unknown
21. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done." — Steven Wright
22. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." — Benjamin Franklin
23. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." — Will Rogers
24. "My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead." — Unknown
25. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." — Steven Wright
26. "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." — Les Dawson
27. "Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day." — Unknown
28. "I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying." — Oscar Wilde
29. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks." — Unknown
30. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." — Unknown
31. "I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." — Unknown
32. "I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me KitKat ads." — Unknown
33. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." — Charles Lamb
34. "I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat." — Unknown
35. "I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!" — Unknown
36. "Doing nothing is hard; you never know when you’re done." — Unknown
37. "Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once." — Unknown
38. "If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?" — Unknown
39. "I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." — Unknown
40. "I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned." — Unknown
41. "I'm on a 24-hour champagne diet. I just can't remember which 24 hours." — Unknown
42. "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch." — Unknown
43. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments." — Earl Wilson
44. "I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." — Jerome K. Jerome
45. "If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you in the beginning." — Unknown
46. "When nothing is going right, go left." — Unknown
47. "I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older… younger." — Unknown
48. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." — A.A. Milne
49. "If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you." — Unknown
50. "My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry." — Unknown
51. "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" — Chandler Bing, Friends
52. "There’s no 'we' in fries." — Unknown
53. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." — Unknown
54. "Life is short. Buy the shoes, eat the cake, drink the wine." — Unknown
55. "I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!" — Unknown
56. "I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me." — Fred Allen
57. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." — Unknown
58. "My house was clean last week, sorry you missed it." — Unknown
59. "Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair." — Unknown
60. "I thought growing old would take longer." — Unknown
61. "When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, 'You need to eat that chocolate.' The other voice goes, 'You heard. Eat the chocolate.'" — Unknown
62. "My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine." — Caroline Rhea
63. "I'm not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode." — Unknown
64. "Sometimes I wonder if everything is happening all at once, or if I just forgot to do it all yesterday." — Unknown
65. "I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my own behind." — Unknown
66. "I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!" — Unknown
67. "I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would be proud of me." — Unknown
68. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." — Unknown
69. "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." — Jackie Mason
70. "I told myself that I should stop drinking, but I'm not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself." — Unknown
71. "A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand." — Unknown
72. "You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella." — Unknown
73. "I used to just crastinate, but I got so good I went pro." — Unknown
74. "Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs." — Unknown
75. "Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one." — Unknown
76. "I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday." — Unknown